Always On

Thanks to Frances Nguyen

When I sit at home with nothing to do but hide from my nagging wife, I am thankful for the invention of the service called Free on Demand. In the past, I could only use the television card during specific times of the day, during sports contests on Sunday or NBC's Thursday night comedy lineup. However, now that we have this service called Free on Demand, my favorite shows are always on, providing me with the escape I so desperately require since my wife can really get annoying, which would be grounds for divorce if she weren't so hot.

There is a ratio of hotness to nagging that any man is willing to put up with, which I call the ratio of absolute zero. For instance, if a woman rated as a six on the hotness scale, anything more than a six on the nagging scale would result in a quick call to my attorney and separate bank accounts. If she is a nine, however, like my wife, only a ten on the nagging and annoyance scale would result in us parting ways. Since my wife is a solid eight, she is granted a reprieve. This does not mean I am emotionally invincible, and I must find excuses to make her be quiet. With Free on Demand there is always something on, and it's all thanks to our directtv.